How Can I Make My Friend Reciprocate My Effort In Our Friendship?
March 6, 2009
“I have a friend who I have known for many years. But there’s this other girl, who I do like, but the first friend seems to like the second better than me. I was off school sick for a couple of months and she did come and see me with other friends yet didn’t call once.
I though we had got closer during work experience a couple of weeks ago, but now she is off sick and this other girl is arranging to go and see her, but she doesn’t seem to want me to (and I live nearer) and all the time she seems to want to be closer to this second girl…it seems like a two way friendship, mine seems like I do all the chasing…we never go to each others houses anymore.
She hasn’t asked me to hers for well over a year and I do ask her to mine, but she never seems to want to come. I don’t know if there is anything I can do to make her reciprocate or whether it is a lost cause and I just have to settle for second best. Is there anything that you think I can do?”
Emily, 15
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Dear Emily,
I can see your concern over your friendship. I have had similar situations where I felt that I was putting a lot more effort into a friendship then my friend. When this happens, there is nothing you can do to make her reciprocate your same efforts. She most likely doesn’t mean anything by it and isn’t doing it on purpose. She just interacts differently with her friends and may not see the need to put forth so much effort since you usually do.
Some people in general just put less effort into their relationships (friends and romantic) than other people. In the case with my friend, we ended up drifting apart because she would always flake out and I just got tired of trying so hard. But that doesn’t mean you have to give up on her. I usually do put a lot of effort into my friendships to keep them working, often when I stop putting forth effort and calling them, then the friendship drifts apart. But I don’t take it personally, because it doesn’t mean that they are not good friends, they are just bad about picking up the phone and making an effort.
Just try to really take a look about your assumptions that you say she doesn’t want you to visit and that she didn’t want to visit you. You don’t know for sure if this is true or not…you are just assuming this. She may very well want you to come visit her, she just doesn’t come forth and say it.
So before you end your friendship over an assumption, go visit her and try not to assume that she doesn’t want to be friends. She has been your friend for a while now, so there is obviously something she likes about being friends with you and vise versa.
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