How Do I Deal With A Mom Who Is An Abusive Alcoholic?
August 16, 2009
Hi Katie,
I know that this can never be completely right but I just wanted to know what you would do in my place. I’m 15 and the oldest of 5 kids. My mom’s an alcoholic and my dad is starting to turn abusive because he really doesn’t know what to do anymore. My mom has always been abusive toward us. I’ve never told anyone about it and actually won’t go anywhere near drink.
Any ideas how to help my mom and the rest of my family or how to re-learn to trust people. Also if you have any ideas on how to get over the fear of alcohol because it’s hard at parties and stuff where my friends are all drunk because it makes me so uneasy.
Thanks!
Natalie, 15
Dear Natalie,
Your mom is wrong for treating you that way. She is going through her own emotional turmoil and alcohol addiction and is taking her anger out on the people she is closest too…such as you. You will never be able to change your mom. She has to want to change. You can try to offer and get her help, like a counselor or rehab, but the chances of you convincing her to stop drinking are slim to none. Like I said…she has to WANT it.
Alcoholism is a very damaging addiction and can ruin people’s lives including the people they love. If your mom does anything that physically harms you (which it sounds like she does), you need to tell authorities such as the police or a counselor. It is not OK for her to treat you poorly no matter what the reason is. Don’t listen to the mean things she says when she is drunk…she doesn’t truly mean it. She is under a very strong addiction that has control of her mind and actions.
However, I realize that telling the attorities is extreamyly hard and scary. But if the abuse gets bad enough you really have no other option. Think about it this way, you would be doing all your younger siblings a favor too by turning your mother in to the police. You will be 18 in a few years, but they have many more years ahead of them dealing with your parents abuse.
If life at home gets bad enough maybe you can go stay with a friend and her family for a while (with consent of your parents of course…which may be quite hard). Tell your mom and dad that you are not OK with your current living environment and want to go live with your friend for a while. I am just giving you a suggestion of what you can do…I’m not telling you that you should run away by any means.
You either need to stay at home and try to deal with your mom the best you can, or try to work out a new living situation.
There is a program for teenagers that are affected by parents who are alcoholic. I actually have attended it in the past when I was a teen and it helped TREMEDOUSLY! It is called Al-Anon and Al-Ateen. If you are unable to leave or turn your mom in to the police, this will really help you deal with your situation. There are teenagers just like you dealing with the exact same problem and just being able to talk about it with them will be a relief for you.
I hope that I was able to shed some light on your situation. I’m sorry that you have to deal with your parent’s problems. The best thing you can do for yourself is to not take any of what your mom or dad say or do PERSONALLY. If you can keep yourself from taking any of this personally, you can protect yourself from her harmful words and actions. Also learn from her mistakes…now that you see the effects of alcoholism, think twice before drinking alcohol.
It’s totally understandable that you are developing a fear of alcohol. One of the reasons I don’t drink is because I have seen it ruin peoples lives…so you are making a VERY smart decision by chosing not to drink. But if your friends or other people at parties drink casually, you dont have to join in, but you dont need to be afraid of them either. Alcohol doesn’t effect everyone the same way. Some people are very plesant when they drink, but others get very angry and abusive.
So if you can’t get over the uneasy feeling when your around your friends drinking, then arrange times to hang out with them when you know there wont be alcohol involved. You may need to work out your issues with your mom first, with a counselor or program like I mentioned above such as Al-Ateen, before you will be able to be comfortable around people when they are drinking.
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